Pawpaw

Pawpaw (SW)

I’ll tell you a couple things.
I’m a young man,
And number two, love will always be the most vulnerable position you will ever be in.
So you have to live with love that’s like a loose screw,
So when someone leaves, it’ll not be as painful.

April 21st, 2008 is when I came into this world,
And not only did I feel the love from my father,
But also from the original, Robert Duane Jordan.
But I only know him as pawpaw.
A love I felt since birth, knee-high.
His laugh that booms and fills your soul with an angelic happiness,
6’3, and when I was a kid, that was gigantic.
As if he was also a protector, immortal.
Nothing would ever hurt him, in my eyes he was the archangel Michael.
But in reality, he was just my grandpa.
Myself, who was just 9 years old at the time,
Learned what love was, what love felt like, what love looked like.
My strength, which was so jut out I felt like He-Man.
A happiness that felt like it would never end,
That made my soul levitate.

But… on May 24, 2015, I was caught on lower ground,
Because he left earth to go back home,
Amongst the beautiful sun right next to God,
And I was struck by tears.
And yet I was still ambushed by nightmares,
See, I have a very vibrant and creative mind,
And at times it would create these realities and false hopes.
That maybe it was all a dream,
That maybe he was still here,
That maybe I’ll wake up and it’ll be over.
And these alternate universes keep playing over again,
And again, and again.
And I’m tired of playing the creator because I have to come to terms
And accept that my grandpa ain’t ever coming back.

And that’s the cost of love,
The cost of life.
Caring for someone so much that you can’t imagine
Living the rest of your childhood,
The rest of your life without them.
Standing next to him at his funeral,
With a kiss on his forehead
In hopes that it holds magic on bringing him back.
But that’s not real.

And I know that I said “love loosely”
So when it goes,
It won’t leave so painfully.

But pain and memories are all I have left of him,
So I want to hold onto them as long as possible.

So now, I’m left with the echo of his laugh,
The sound still reverberates in my chest,
A warmth I’ll never feel again.
Like holding onto the last bit of sunlight before it sinks,
Holding onto a love that shaped me, made me,
And yet left me shattered.

You see, they tell you to move on.
They say time heals, but time just numbs.
The space he left? It doesn’t shrink,
I just learn to stretch myself around it.
Learn to breathe with lungs full of memories,
Learn to walk in a world that feels colder, emptier.

I said love loosely so it doesn’t hurt,
But I think the real truth is
You can’t love halfway.
Even when you think you’ve got your guard up,
That screw’s always loose enough to twist back tight,
Always loose enough to let someone crawl into your soul,
Until they own a piece of you.

My pawpaw? He’s still got that piece.
And I’m not asking for it back.
I’ll live with the ache,
Because that ache is all I have left.
And maybe that’s what love is,
The pieces that linger after they’re gone,
The tears, the smiles, the way they change you,
And stay with you, forever etched in the corners of your heart.

So maybe I lied,
Maybe I don’t want to love loosely after all,
Because if love is the cost,
Then I’m willing to pay every single time.

I can’t say the m word (SW)

I Can’t Say the M Word (SW)

In the midst of a happy family, there lays corruption beneath.
You see, growing up I only had one parent in mind.
Kids thought it was weird that I talked about my father the way I did,
So highly.
Teachers thought I was corrupted because when they would give me that
“Talk about your parents” activity, I would only admire and speak on my fatherly figure.
I remember when I gave that paper to my teacher and heard a,
“What the hell.”

Now, look..
That doesn’t mean I didn’t speak on my…
Well, you know what I’m saying.
I did, I did,
In ways to hide the false reality she was projecting.
Years go by,
And I slowly open my eyes
To what would be a horror story in real life.
The murderer was one who was supposed to be the protector,
But instead, betrayed, as Lucifer did the Lord.

I was still a kid when the M word hurled words,
Words I thought only hatred itself could say
Towards me,
Towards my siblings.
Fight or flight, mind racing, hands now clenched to a fist,
I feel my muscles tighten, lungs open,
Eyes darting around, looking for my next move,
My body ready to prove! Prove that I’m no child!
But no.
I stand there and look,
All of a sudden, calm.
But why?

I look at my brother.
His tears screaming from his eyes.
Then at my sister,
Pure fear, hands motioning back and forth on her arms as if she was trying to soothe herself,
As if what was once her M word
Had changed into a monster amongst the town,
Destroying everything in its path,
Feeding off emotions and spitting them back out onto you.

Silence.
A silence so loud,
You think you hear the whispers of the particles in the atmosphere.
The experience of sheer terror lodged in the crevices of your brain.
A boomerang of “loving and caring”
To all of a sudden, it’s Judas kissing you on your cheek.

Now…
Now I can’t say the M word.
I don’t want to think it.
Every time my lips try to form the word, it’s stuck.
Stuck at the M—M- Mo-
“You know who I’m talking about.”
I don’t have the usual love for her as sweet as a dove,
At this point, I don’t think I have any at all.
I don’t have that special place in my heart that loves her
Like every young man has had since he was a boy.

But there was a time,
Before the hatred dripped from her mouth like venom,
A look in her eyes I could never forget, it felt as if I was looking into the eyes of a demon,
Two pits of darkness never so vibrant.
I used to think love existed there,
Somewhere hidden deep beneath the jagged edges of her.
There were moments where I would search for it,
In her eyes, in her voice, in the touch that once soothed.
But each time I looked,
It slipped further away
A memory,
A lie I told myself to sleep at night.

The M word,
The one that always said in a fit of anger, “I birthed you, you’re MY son,”
Held me as an infant.
She was supposed to be warmth,
But instead turned cold like stone.
She was supposed to protect,
But sharpened her words like knives, ready for use.
She was supposed to love.
But instead,
I became the enemy.

And isn’t that the worst betrayal?
To be born into love,
Only to be forced out of it,
To have the very thing you were meant to trust
Shatter in your hands,
Leaving behind nothing but shards you can’t piece back together?

I watched as my brother crumbled falling for her traps.
Watched as my sister trembled, searching for escape,
And now copes in many different ways, thinking to herself, “What could I have done differently?”
It’s not your fault.
And I think,
What did we do to deserve this?
What crime have we committed that our existence feels like a punishment
Under the gaze of the one who should have been a person you could look up to?

I used to dream that one day as a kid
She’d turn back,
That the monster would leave her body,
And I would finally hear the word ‘sorry’ fall from her lips.
But even if she did, it wouldn’t be genuine,
But an attempt at winning me over so she could continue feasting off my energy
Until I became one of her puppets.

Now I know that day won’t come.
And maybe that’s why I can’t say it.
The M word,
Because it doesn’t mean the same thing anymore.
It doesn’t mean love.
It doesn’t mean safety.
It doesn’t mean home.
It’s an empty word,
A ghost of something that could have been,
But never was.

And so I stay silent,
Because in that silence,
I’m safe from the lies,
From the memories that haunt me,
From the false hope I once held.

But deep down,
I know I used to search.
Waiting.
Waiting for the M word to become something real.
For her to become what she was supposed to be.
Looking for what I was supposed to have in the M word in others.
But I know,
As much as I’ve tried to bury it,
That day will never come.

Objection in the court of my soul, and I rebuke the negativity that she ensues.
Now I’m older, my father is the only one who has to show what a parent is supposed to be.
A best friend.
A mentor.
Loving.
Caring.
One you can always go to.

I don’t need no M word.

And so, I remain.

Silent.
Thinking there’s that one word I’ll never say

Because love was never there.

- Robert Jordan

Feelings

Feelings

What is

The

        Deep.

                 Felt.

             Ticklish stabs so deep

You feel it as an electricity running through your veins.

The heart doing jumping jacks thinking of how

     Sweet.

Sweet like brown sugar.

    But

Looks of a

             Pink peony.

Such a distinctive and beautiful aura that makes light in the atmosphere that surrounds.

Why

    Do

       I?

Get rushed by this unseen force that rips my

breath out my lungs When I come in contact?

I try to find it but it remains dormant.

The cycles

          Of something beating against my chest.

Waiting to be let out and unfold what’s inside onto this house.

Shower.

      With.

              Love.

Is what comes

Natural.

Wanting to show every part of what she deserves.

So hard to keep my tone steady, my Adam’s apple locked.

Oh

     My

        Her

              Eyes

So vibrant with the beautiful color that resembles that of a silky royal brown.

Stare me in mine. Both seem to have a flow of a prominent connection between.

Wait

Is

   It

True?

That the one who makes my soul feel bright feels for me too? Who makes my hands play with the nails that lie upon them?

Feelings

         Are

           Real

For the first time in what seemed like eternity. My spirit finally feels for another.

And now

I wait.

Hoping she feels the same pull, the same rush, the same spark that lights me up inside.

Wondering

  if

   her

     heart

        skips too

When our eyes meet

          when silence speaks.

     The way her smile could heal

a thousand cracks.

And her voice could calm the storm that brews within.
I hold my breath in moments shared,
In hopes she’ll feel the weight I bear.

Does

   she

     know

       what

         she

        makes

           me

           see?
That love could bloom so

quietly?

I

   wait

With all the patience I can borrow.
For her answer today, tomorrow
I’ll wait.

And I don’t care if it's yes or if it’s no,

My feelings.

        now awake.

          will continue to grow.

Loves flow.

VENTilation

VENTilation

The other day a young boy asked “why don’t you cry?” “ I want to be as strong as you when I’m older.” When those words hit my ears I felt a descending of my heart, knowing that he doesn’t want the radiation from life injected into his spirit, sweat started creeping out from my pores, hands tightened, hand caressing my chin frantically searching for one of many answers I could pull from the files in my mind.

At last a few words slipped out.

“I don’t know.”

But I knew that was a lie because I do cry.

Definition of cry is when tears come from those two little balls called your eyes right?

Cry o cry, my cry is silent but the tears that stream speak many.

Many words that remain unsaid afraid of who what when will I be judged, my feelings want to be let out but my tongue won’t budge.

Can’t. Won’t. Don’t. Answer any of anyone’s questions, but if you decide to, make sure to avoid that big gulp, they’ll see that your temple is attempting to arrest your words. Put them away for good and say the phrase “I’m good.”

You see that “I’m good” goes a long way, when you say that they’ll leave you alone and just say a simple “oh” then move on.

Then you will be left “alone”

But that’s what you wanted right? To suppress what you deem to be “difficult” in reality it’s a response caused by

You getting tore up by one who was supposed to be a mother bear.

Trauma.

Now i know that “I don’t know” wasn’t a good answer because I truly do. I do cry.

So i back up my answer and say.

“I do. And when you’re older you’ll understand, and maybe you’ll be able to comprehend, young man. You will cry and those cries ain’t nothing but weakness leaving your body. It’s only natural, but you as a man have to be able to withstand.”

I look the young boy in his eyes, looks of shock spring across his face and now. He responds.

“You’re welcome.”

A look of confusion brushes across my face, my brows scrunched. Then I look in the mirror and see. See me standing side by side with my younger embodiment.

“You needed that ventilation.”

As if he heard every word that was said in my mind when he asked.

I pause, feeling the air grow thick, the weight of words unspoken sinking in.

The boy fades into the shadow of my past, and I’m left standing there, alone again.

In the silence, the cold truth seeps in, chilling my bones.

Ventilation only clears the air for a moment,
but the weight…

it never leaves.

Note from author: I wrote this as a way to express the difficulties I have been experiencing from the past month, and now that I see, a new chapter has begun. Talk about your feelings don’t hold them in, talk to the right people and you will see improvement within yourself, and your soul. Ways to get rid of that weight is to work it off, face it, acknowledge it and take it down.

Trial of a romantic

Trial of a Romantic

In the name of a beating organ in your chest,
I hereby stand, doing my absolute best—
Best to keep this ball of love from plunging
Into a darkened frozen abyss.

Too soon to be on the moon,
Head over heels for a beauty you couldn't resist.
Moments of happiness, laughter, and things of that nature
Now feel wasted, as I seek that warmth
Only one can give, a warmth I have tasted. A tenderness to it you can’t forget

Tick tock, tick tock. Your trial is coming to an end.

Now day by day, this ball of red loving energy
Opens more and more, your soul growing comfortable,
As if nestled in a bed of white feathers.
The soothing touch encourages thoughts of a future
With that symbol of beauty you couldn’t resist.

Tick tock, tick tock. Your trial draws closer.

You’ve finally found that raspberry beret
The king of rock has described—or so you think.

Now the red ball is vulnerable,
Trusting this beauty to be the eve to your Adam,
Yet fearing it may soon shrink into a atom

Trust your gut.

You get to know this beauty , and this symbol reminds you
Of a prairie of pink peonies, butterflies flourishing from the sense of love this prairie brings
Find their way into your stomach. Causing you to feel warm and fuzzy.

Lost in la la land vibrant sound waves
Echoing through the night to romantic conversations
That stretch into eternity. You think you’ve found
A peace you thought you couldn’t reach.
What was once a little ball of red
Has now expanded to the size of the vast light in the sky.

Apologize to yourself now; your trial has ended.

The echoing sound waves from the previous night have came to a simmer.

You feel as if the symbol of beauty has shifted,
to another presence. You wake drained,
it seems the butterflies have lost their flame.
You know that symbol of beauty is gone.

Letters you send out, hoping for a response,
Come back untouched, just as you have written.
You believed you two could have been a work of art,
Yet in moments, it exploded,
Revealing sinister black paint that stares into your eyes as it tears
That red ball from your body. And obliterates what once was.

The trial is over.
Now the warmth that once lit you
Is in the casket for its funeral.

Love's requiem.

Are we safe anymore?

Are we safe anymore?

I wanna say it’s not true, are we safe anymore?  bullets flying in and out through the main room doors. Just say it’s not true, parents see and hear that their kids are gone,  the pacing of hearts, their minds racing, they don't know what to do. Imagine the pain of seeing your classmates go, they look the same but it’s not them. Meaning the trauma that was inflicted into these childrens innocent minds alters them in a way that is unseen; they won’t live the same  living in constant fear of the event occurring again. Trauma.

Trauma. You don’t gotta cry but imagine the kids' fear, them hearing those loud noises and hearing the bullets ricochet off the walls of the neighbors. All huddled in a dark room that was once warm and vibrant that has now gone cold. Screams and then silence and while all that occurring you sit in silence trying your best, trying your best to hold your breath because if you don't your next. The teachers not wasting a breath to protect and save lives of the kids that they didn’t even know, Throwing their bodies in front of the bullets that were flying through the air, covering the children with a shield of their own body in order to deny. Put some respect on their names. They put themselves up as a target to make it even, they didn’t need a good reason to put themselves in the way of danger to protect kids they didn't even know. 

Now let's sit in silence as the wind blows.

Are we safe anymore? The parents now fear sending their offspring to school in worry of danger occurring, dreading every text from their wondering if it's just about school or if they are in harm's way, the kids having to spend everyday in school wondering if it’s their last, the parents ready to make it there fast. 

And thank you to all of the teachers who are there for the students, who lost their lives due to these terrible tragedies, only to imagine how they feel. The ones who survived won't be the same after the things they witnessed. It’s okay to be okay and it’s okay to not be.

I’m still over here that I’m still in high school. Are we safe anymore? Can we trust anymore? Will the schools protect us from these terrible people? Will brothers, sisters, mothers, daughters, fathers make it home? Or will they have to go to their second one? I sit in fear, now regretting that I wasn't scared because I thought it wouldn’t be big, but the events have latched on like a tick. I thank God because I could've been crawling out from the bleachers yelling out to the police for help, because before I couldn't even yelp in fear of my life that was at stake. 

What about the ones who lost their lives, what they thought in their last moments Hearing the sound of that door bursting open. Seeing that weapon in the threat's hand and looking for a first line of defense. What about the ones that couldn't comprehend? Meaning they were laughing and playing and they didn’t know what was going on, shots rang out and their heavenly souls were with the lord. “Mommy i'm scared” protrudes the fear in which one felt. The last text that was sent to a parent who couldn’t see their daughter anymore. Imagine! Imagine that pain! Schools are “welcome to all” but take no precaution at all.  

Now a little girl hates herself for being alive after her friend was taken, looking at herself in the mirror asking 

“why couldn’t it have been me” 

Now that little boy who was full of light and spirit wants to kill himself and explore the dark, he’s gone cold and his parents can't even get through to him.

Now a husband won’t have a beautiful Wife and his kids won't have a wonderful mother regretting not saying goodbye to her and that they loved one last time before she went off to work.

Now Kids, teens, and adults all over America are filled with worry, hurt, fear,. Because these holes in the schools have caused a tear in humanity.

Now silence lingers in the silent halls.

Less of “let’s pray for them” and more of “let’s do something about it” 

Say their names!

CASSIE BERNALL • STEVEN CURNOW • COREY DEPOOTER • KELLY FLEMING • MATTHEW KECHTER • DANIEL MAUSER • DANIEL ROHRBOUGH • WILLIAM DAVE SANDERS • RACHEL SCOTT • ISAIAH SHOELS • JOHN TOMLIN • LAUREN TOWNSEND • KYLE VELASQUEZ • DERRICK BRUN • DEWAYNE LEWIS • DARYL LUSSIER • CHASE LUSSIER • NEVA ROGERS • CHANELLE ROSEBEAR • MICHELLE SIGANA • THURLENE STILLDAY • ALICIA WHITE • NAOMI ROSE EBERSOL • MARIAN STOLTZFUS FISHER • LENA ZOOK MILLER • MARY LIZ MILLER • ANNA MAE STOLTZFUS • ROSS ALAMEDDINE • JAMIE BISHOP • BRIAN BLUHM • RYAN CLARK • AUSTIN CLOYD • JOCELYNE COUTURE-NOWAK • DANIEL PEREZ CUEVAS • KEVIN GRANATA • MATTHEW GWALTNEY • CAITLIN HAMMAREN • JEREMY HERBSTRITT • RACHAEL HILL • EMILY HILSCHER • MATTHEW LA PORTE • JARRETT LANE • HENRY LEE • LIVIU LIBRESCU • PARTAHI LOMBANTORUAN • LAUREN MCCAIN • DANIEL O'NEIL • JUAN RAMON ORTIZ • G.V. PALANIVEL • MINAL PANCHAL • ERIN PETERSON • MICHAEL POHLE • JULIA PRYDE • MARY READ • REEMA SAMAHA • WALEED MOHAMED SHAALAN • LESLIE SHERMAN • MAXINE TURNER • NICOLE WHITE • GAYLE DUBOWSKI • CATALINA GARCIA • JULIANNA GEHANT • RYANNE MACE • DANIEL PARMENTER • TSHERING BHUTIA • DORIS CHIBUKO • SONAM CHOEDON • GRACE KIM - KATLEEN PING • JUDITH SEYMOUR • LYDIA SIM

• CHARLOTTE HELEN BACON • DANIEL BARDEN • RACHEL D'AVINO • OLIVIA ROSE ENGEL • JOSEPHINE GAY • DAWN HOCHSPRUNG •

CHRISTOPHER ROSS

MICHAELS-MARTINEZ • WEIHAN WANG • VERONIKA WEISS • SHAYLEE CHUCKULNASKIT • ANDREW FRYBERG • ZOE GALASSO • GIA SORIANO • LUCERO ALCARAZ • TREVEN TAYLOR ANSPACH • REBECKA ANN CARNES • QUINN GLEN COOPER • KIM SALTMARSH DIETZ

• LUCAS EIBEL • JASON DALE JOHNSON • LAWRENCE LEVINE • SARENA DAWN MOORE • ALYSSA ALHADEFF • MARTIN DUQUE ANGUIANO • SCOTT BEIGEL • NICHOLAS DWORET • AARON FEIS • JAIME GUTTENBERG • CHRISTOPHER HIXON • LUKE HOYER • CARA LOUGHRAN • GINA MONTALTO • JOAQUIN OLIVER • ALAINA PETTY • MEADOW POLLACK • HELENA RAMSAY • ALEX SCHACHTER •

CARMEN SCHENTRUP • PETER WANG •JARED BLACK • SHANA FISHER • CHRISTIAN RILEY GARCIA • KYLE MCLEOD • ANN PERKINS • ANGELIQUE RAMIREZ • SABIKA SHEIKH • CHRIS STONE • CYNTHIA TISDALE • KIMBERLY VAUGHAN • MADISYN BALDWIN • TATE MYRE

• JUSTIN SHILLING • HANA ST. JULIANA • NEVAEH BRAVO • JACKLYN CAZARES • MAKENNA LEE ELROD • JOSE FLORES JR. • IRMA GARCIA • UZIYAH GARCIA • ELIANA "ELLIE" GARCIA • AMERIE JO GARZA • XAVIER LOPEZ • JAYCE CARMELO LUEVANOS • TESS MARIE MATA • MIRANDA MATHIS • EVA MIRELES • ALITHIA RAMIREZ • ANNABELLE GUADALUPE RODRIGUEZ • MAITE YULEANA RODRÍGUEZ • ALEXANDRIA "LEXI" ANIYAH RUBIO • LAYLA SALAZAR • JAILAH NICOLE SILGUERO • ELIAHANA CRUZ TORRES • ROJELIO TORRES

JESSE LEWIS • ANA GRACE • NOAH POZNER • JACK PINTO •VICTORIA SOTO • BENJAMIN • DYLAN HOCKLEY • CAROLINE

The things that develop

The things that develop.

The feelings I can’t describe overpower my will to thrive, issues after issues. Please let me get a tissue, wipe away my flaws and maybe I’ll be useful for a better cause. Rather than sulking in my own despair of my own mistakes that took place, maybe I’m not enough, maybe I’m not who I thought I was.

Thinking and thinking I’m thinking I’m alright but maybe I’m mistaken, maybe I’m fooling myself into believing I don’t want any type of assistance when it comes to the sputters of overthinking my mind inflicts. They come in waves of cliques pushing and pushing making false thoughts become reality.  Then I get to feeling cowardly, but again am I who I think I am?

Maybe I’m not a man yet, maybe I’m just a boy who needs a certain guidance or the rules I’m not abiding by. Just an ignorant fool who can’t seem to think straight.

It’s crazy that those thoughts hit me like a freight train, the sense of a weight that won’t go away, the heart feeling as low as if in a grave all caged up by an overwhelment of emotions, living off of tokens given by those who inspire.

But maybe I am who I believe to be and not just some wannabe, maybe the intrusion of thoughts are just waves of weakness in the mind that I’m leaving behind. Maybe, just maybe I fought that battle with myself and overcame thyself. And now what’s left is an improved and renewed man who’s ready to take on the rays of hatred, attacks, fear, anger, tests, love, heartbreak, lust, it’s all no longer. Because now I am stronger.

Daffodil Field

Daffodil field

There was a field of flowers which was widely known for its beauty. 

The yellow daffodils that shine bright like the morning light when your parent wakes you up from your slumber. 

When you see the vibrant yellow petals they put a smile on your face and you feel a sense of profound inner warmth.

It’s the kind of place where you would go to forgive and forget, the everlasting presence of where the daffodils shine. 

It’s a place that appears if you believe in your heart, daffodil field is in your heart.

There was a boy who sat all alone by the creek, it was flowing with red roses and the beauty of the flowers flowing in the subtle wind in the back. The trickles of warmth the water inflicted when it flourished on his skin caused him to forget, 

To seeming to forget the reality of where problems reside, he’s taken an eternal peace in daffodil field.

You look all around and you see the employees of the world running around with a great youthful joy,the displaying of laughter echoes throughout the field deteriorating any sense of darkness that tries to blend in. In daffodil field your soul's light is found.

I then look all around, my soul is sound, and then the World goes quiet. 

Daffodil field has taken effect.

Yeah I’m tough!

Violence. Foolishness. Ignorance. Is what my definition of toughness used to be. You see i thought that I had to show no weakness, to “fight to show masculinity” to show that

I’m, in newer terms “that guy.”

but no, not no more. It’s gets to a point where you realize all that you called toughness was insecurity, fighting for a spot in people’s eyes that showed them I’m tough. But it was too much, I’ve had enough. Real masculinity is settling back and being your authentic self and not stunt for others, being masculine isn’t throwing yourself out there trying to prove something to people, proving things to yourself is all you need.

You don’t need validation from others to know who YOU are, you should know yourself more than others do. The real definition of toughness isn’t fighting, talking shit, and being a fool. It’s when you take a step up that stool, to the next level to elevate yourself, it’s where you take devastation head on and turn it into realization. Toughness is when you grow from your mistakes, removing yourself from negative crowds and surrounding yourself with love and positivity.

Toughness isn’t gang banging or danger displaying

it’s not “you better not fuck with me or Ima hurt you”, it’s not being the biggest on the earth like David and Goliath. In that story the tough actor got defeated by the authentic one.

Now I think back, back to that freshman who was out to prove something through violence, and who knew that would be the end. The end of an era of fakeness and onto an era of a new toughness, not the violent toughness but the real toughness. I can finally say “Yeah I am tough!” Because at the end of the day the real toughness was growing beyond the dirt I was stuck in.

-Robert Jordan

Pirates upon the vessel

pirates upon the vessel

It’s time to lock yourself away, away from the pirates that have onboarded the vessel.

They don’t care where they swing, just as long as they damage you. Hurry away there’s pirates aboard the vessel tonight.

The love you once had for your vessel, will soon flourish in an instant, because of the pirates upon the vessel.

Just when you thought the attack was finished more cone through, it’s just a repeated cycle for more harm to be done to you.

Look out there’s pirates upon the vessel.

Love if you’re real come lift me, from all the pain and despair,  it’s getting to where it’s too much to bear. Now I sit here in fear, the fear of becoming as a stone where no emotions show. No bright colors but just existence. The persistence of the pirates aiming for the heart of the vessel.

That’ll be the results if the pirates keep attacking the vessel.

The pirates, they’re so awfully greedy some come in forms of angels like Lucifer does at your highest.

But in the end they turn that switch, that terrible switch where, you don’t even know them.

“Are they the same when you met? “You question, and that’s when you’re deep in no man’s land. You can’t return, they already got that hold.

They then thrash you, they slash you, they use and abuse you. Beating you as if you were some alien that invaded the space. You are scared to realize, that you are a victim of their attack and yet.. you still have love for them?

They then vanish as if they didn’t know you, and then you’re left with a hole in your heart, questioning your character, hating yourself asking “WHY DID I LET THEM!” Out of pure fury.

All because of the pirates that were upon the vessel.

When Swans Weep

Find if you will the picture, of you and I engaged in a kiss.

I thought the Toxicness wouldn’t bother me, but boy was I wrong. Can you my darling?  can you picture this?

Fall into of a dream of a field of grass, an ocean of roses and blues. Then suddenly catching fire between the heat, the heat between me and you.

How can you just leave me standing in a lonely world that’s so cold. Maybe I’m just too demanding, maybe I’m the one who’s too bold.

Maybe you’re  just like my mother, she’s never satisfied. Why do we go back and forth with each other. This is what looks like.

This is what it looks like when swans weep

No, this can’t be. No.

Now I remember my stomach, how it felt when it trembled inside. Every time I came around you like my soul was telling me no.

Don’t make me chase you, even swans have pride.

You left with no explanation, maybe it’s not me who’s bold. Maybe it’s not you who’s the victim, but the one who inflicted the hurt.

Now what I called “love” makes sense now it was attachment that was caused by trauma.

The trauma caused by a coyote who incapacitated a swan.

When a swan weeps he shall see the truth and suffer no more.

— Robert Jordan

Note from author: if you ever go through toxicity or narcissism from your relationships constantly. It’s best to get away from that situation asap, before they create that trauma bond on you. Leave them before they leave you. So you won’t have to go through the hurt.