VENTilation

VENTilation

The other day a young boy asked “why don’t you cry?” “ I want to be as strong as you when I’m older.” When those words hit my ears I felt a descending of my heart, knowing that he doesn’t want the radiation from life injected into his spirit, sweat started creeping out from my pores, hands tightened, hand caressing my chin frantically searching for one of many answers I could pull from the files in my mind.

At last a few words slipped out.

“I don’t know.”

But I knew that was a lie because I do cry.

Definition of cry is when tears come from those two little balls called your eyes right?

Cry o cry, my cry is silent but the tears that stream speak many.

Many words that remain unsaid afraid of who what when will I be judged, my feelings want to be let out but my tongue won’t budge.

Can’t. Won’t. Don’t. Answer any of anyone’s questions, but if you decide to, make sure to avoid that big gulp, they’ll see that your temple is attempting to arrest your words. Put them away for good and say the phrase “I’m good.”

You see that “I’m good” goes a long way, when you say that they’ll leave you alone and just say a simple “oh” then move on.

Then you will be left “alone”

But that’s what you wanted right? To suppress what you deem to be “difficult” in reality it’s a response caused by

You getting tore up by one who was supposed to be a mother bear.

Trauma.

Now i know that “I don’t know” wasn’t a good answer because I truly do. I do cry.

So i back up my answer and say.

“I do. And when you’re older you’ll understand, and maybe you’ll be able to comprehend, young man. You will cry and those cries ain’t nothing but weakness leaving your body. It’s only natural, but you as a man have to be able to withstand.”

I look the young boy in his eyes, looks of shock spring across his face and now. He responds.

“You’re welcome.”

A look of confusion brushes across my face, my brows scrunched. Then I look in the mirror and see. See me standing side by side with my younger embodiment.

“You needed that ventilation.”

As if he heard every word that was said in my mind when he asked.

I pause, feeling the air grow thick, the weight of words unspoken sinking in.

The boy fades into the shadow of my past, and I’m left standing there, alone again.

In the silence, the cold truth seeps in, chilling my bones.

Ventilation only clears the air for a moment,
but the weight…

it never leaves.

Note from author: I wrote this as a way to express the difficulties I have been experiencing from the past month, and now that I see, a new chapter has begun. Talk about your feelings don’t hold them in, talk to the right people and you will see improvement within yourself, and your soul. Ways to get rid of that weight is to work it off, face it, acknowledge it and take it down.