Sayang Mama
Sayang Mama
Sayang mama means love I never knew, it means men that blew, the tip of a cigarette that would be a microcosm of what could’ve been, it means laying at night, cold, it means that I’ll be just like my Daddy, it means smells of home, nasi kerabu and rendang, it means the sights of childhood, the impressing of limits, not knowing the sky was yours, it means the voyage to America, to start life anew, it means the man that would cheat, the “men” who would beat, the source of life, who would become three children, a girl who’s reference for love was reverence and fear, one where beatings would steer, the key to soul.
Sayang mama means the white house of life, that you created, it means the vice in the refrigerator, the broom for the driveway, the doom of your life being the grips of Men who restrict what could’ve been, it means intelligence, elegance, it means stripping the covering and picking up the cross, of a world who’s goals would toss, it means climbing a hill of life that would climax in the form of a son, it means the lump in the hill being the destroyer of dreams, it means the grass of the mound of life falling, it means the broken, sickly world you knew, and left for a boy who knew no tenderness.
Sayang mama means a house of wisdom, one pink, one blue, an impression of the beauty of your life, it means a son who found validation in all the wrong places, a daughter who would be just like you, a daughter that had to fill your shoes. Sayang mama, saya sayang awak, this would be my final goodbye, as the box to your life closes and the safe to my madness would lock and open a world of bitterness.
Saya rindu mama, I miss your wisdom, I miss your voice, I miss your touch,
Saya rindu mama, I miss your warmth, I miss your smile, that could light up a room and last for awhile, I miss, I miss, I miss.
sayang mama means that no matter how hard I try i’ll always be like those who came before me, the toxicness that proceeds me, the ego that overfeeds me, it means scars not in the form of clef, or in the form of left, but the fear of loss, that the women that proceed would take the lead, of the role they could never fill, it means i’m just like Father, who twisted love, i’m just like Grandfather, who’s love felt rough, I forget your face, I forget your touch, but you left for me a world that bleeds, the blood of shortcoming, Rahmah, saya sayang awak.
sayang mama, sincerely Micah.
As a child I never knew the normality of home, I never knew the motherly love that’s bounds were unconditional. My mother passed away when I was 2 years old, but the legacy she left is felt even if i’ve never met her. Her life is a story of struggle, a struggle for power in a world ran by Men, who wanted no more than what was between her legs. Men that wanted no more than control, to feel that they had power over something. Her biggest weakness was her world that said that the roof was the limit. It left her a world that shows “I love you” is conditional, a world where women couldn’t get ahead. In this piece I use Malay to communicate love, sayang mama means I love you Mommy, but for me, it means so much more. Dear Rahmah, I cry for you, you deserved the world but we’re given the window of a kitchen to the backyard of gloom. This is a love letter to apart of a world I never knew but felt.
copyright © micah hill 2024
